So we are almost to February of 2011, and I haven’t blogged a word in months. I seem to do this regularly – start my blog up again ambitiously, declaring that THIS time it will work, and THIS time I will stick with it…and then it doesn’t happen. Why? Because I don’t sit down at the computer and write anything, that’s why.
Trust me to elucidate the obvious. At least I don’t obfuscate the hidden.
I don’t think I have a particularly valid excuse for my failure to blog, other than the fact that I simply haven’t made it enough of a priority to do it. Because I have time management problems that I am still struggling to conquer. I want to conquer them. I need to conquer them. I want to take every minute captive to the obedience of Christ, in whatever way that plays out – not let the minutes take me captive to the obedience of the urgent. Which is what seems to keep happening to me.
So, as much as anything, this blog seems to be a chronicle of my struggles for dominance over the clock. Unfortunately, the struggle is mostly chronicled by my long periods of silence. My blog will never get anywhere at this rate. But maybe it doesn’t need to.
If you’re reading, whoever you are out there…thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for wanting to read even though I’m a pretty unpredictable blogger. I think I would make a better book author, but the problem with that is that I would have to find a publisher. This way, I can publish myself. Which hardly ever happens of course, but when it does, I certainly do enjoy it. I hope you do, too, whoever you are.
I want to write about my attempts to balance my truth-obsessed side with mercy, as the Lord demonstrates in Scripture. I want to write about the realities of being a Christian stay-at-home wife and mommy, which brings me to one of the reasons I have been absent from blogging: I am now a mommy of two. Sweet little Grace Anne was born the day after Christmas, and her birth story is rather interesting. I would love to share it with you, and am currently working on writing it. But I am finding it surprisingly challenging (or not so surprising, since I was already time-challenged before having any children) to find time to do anything at present other than eating and feeding my two children. Oh, and manage to cook healthful meals for my husband. We are trying to eat better this year, but his dietary needs are very different at this point than the dietary needs of a honkin-hungry nursing momma. So we don’t necessarily need the same food, and Felicity doesn’t necessarily need the same food as the two of us can eat, since she doesn’t yet have molars. And, of course, Grace Anne is dependent on Mommy for her meals right now.
Well, so is Felicity, for that matter, but at least now Daddy can feed her when he is home, which Mommy appreciates Very Much.
At any rate, I want to write truthfully about my experiences as a Mommy. I don’t want to pretend that I have no warts; I want to share the ones that are shareable so that I can share how the Lord teaches me to overcome them. He alone gets the glory for any improvements I may make in conquering my various vices. But I would never want to keep a blog which insinuates that I am viceless, because that is simply not true.
I want to blog about reality as I know it. Which involves much beauty: childish giggles, toothless little newborn smiles, baby dances, toys scattered about the floor, tripping over pacifiers, spending evenings around the diaper table…you think that doesn’t sound beautiful? But it really is, because these are the things I will remember with fondness when I am old and gray, should the Lord see fit to grant it. Right now - these are the moments I will cherish forever. And I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want to hoard them. I want to share them, lest we forget the beauties of mommyhood while in the midst of the seemingly Unbeautiful: sickness, tantrums, burnt dinners, broken appliances…struggles like: WHEN will I ever get to take a shower again?...or: how am I going to find time to cook THIS recipe?...or: I need to go to the grocery store NOW and I don’t have a babysitter…(thank the Lord for helpful husbands who work near home!). There are difficulties with being a stay-at-home mommy. But there is so much beauty. Endless beauty. If only we can remember to look for it and cherish it, it will sanctify the moments of Non-beauty.
Will you join me as I speak of things beautiful, and share honestly the fact that sometimes things are Not So Beautiful? But I want to cherish the many blessings the Lord has given, and I want to share that in some way that will last forever. So I write, because by writing I can speak into the future…and future generations will be able to read my words long after I am gone.
In case you haven’t noticed, I am feeling poetic today. If I manage to blog tomorrow, I may not wax so eloquently. You may sigh with either disappointment or with relief – and I won’t blame you either way.
In other news, before I wrap up for now – I am attempting to cook delicious South Beach food for my husband right now. I have a curious relationship with the kitchen. I love cooking, and yet I continue to nurture a certain venomous hatred for it at the same time. I struggle to make myself get into the kitchen and begin the process, because there is something about it that I dread – even though I love nothing so much as to set a plate of beautiful, delicious food before my husband and hear him be delighted by how good it is. It’s even more satisfying when I also know that it is healthy.
I am planning to kill the venomous hatred for cooking that lurks deep within. Because, actually, cooking is a beautiful way to serve others. In it, art and science meet beautifully, if one can learn to master the science behind it. Without the science of cooking, you can never master the art. I am endeavoring to master the science, and so am devouring educational cooking shows (since going to culinary school is not exactly an option) and planning to dive into some educational books on cooking, as well. I have already learned a great deal about techniques and science-of-cooking from the likes of Alton Brown and Nigella Lawson. I hope to learn a great deal more, and in so doing, to take dominion of that kitchen and slay the hatred that wells up whenever I think of cooking. I think the hatred is not so much for the cooking as it is for the clean-up that comes afterwards, in all honesty. I have been cooking fairly well for years, but have never been able to fully and utterly ENJOY it – partly because of my dread of the mountain of mess that I have to clean afterwards, and partly because I have been blindly following directions from a cookbook with no earthly idea of what I am actually doing or WHY I should do it this way as opposed to another. Consequently, when I make a mistake, I often have no idea what to do to correct it and have to give up and settle for a damaged dish, or start all over in the worst cases.
But I am learning, and freeing myself from the Bondage Of The Book. Sometimes I get in the kitchen and cook a meal without ever cracking open a binding to check on a quantity of salt, and THAT is when I feel free. Because I understand now what it takes to make a good chili without having to read up on it as I go, and without having to stop to consult the book and say, “Oh, no! I forgot to add the can of tomatoes back in step 2. Will it be ruined? Now I must go find a can of tomatoes. Oh – I don’t HAVE a can of tomatoes, because I used it in the spaghetti I just made and froze earlier. NOW what?” Because now I know. And my pantry-inventory-keeping skills are improving, as well. I think. I have nearly learned how to make granola bars without a recipe, and I can make spaghetti sauce and chicken pot pie, as well. Except for the crust of the pot pie…that I still have to consult a recipe for.
I am also learning, thanks to my cooking shows, the concepts of “mise en place” – having everything ready in advance, rather than scrambling around chopping up carrots while the onions and celery is already nearly finished sautéing. Oh, and did you know that that trio: onions, carrots, and celery, is called “mirepoix” and is the backbone of much French cooking? Now I know. If I want to make a good French dish, like beef bourguignon or coq au vin (neither or which are actually South Beach in their traditional forms) I can bet I’ll need those three ingredients. It’s comforting to have these bits of information tucked away, ready to pull out. I’m finding this cooking self-education I’ve embarked upon to be quite thrilling. My husband isn’t complaining, either. In fact, he’s loving it. And encourages me even when things DON’T turn out the way I had hoped they would. Which happens with a certain amount of regularity. Sometimes dinner doesn’t happen at all:
“I’m very sorry, dear, but we will have to have leftovers tonight, because both babies cried all day and I eventually joined them and basically we didn’t get anything done besides cuddling and reading books because that seemed to be what was needed for some reason.” He is a very gracious husband and not only understands, but says that is exactly what he would have wanted me to do when I have a day like that. I am very blessed. He is even gracious when the only thing I managed to get done was to get last night’s dishes clean and put away. I at least try to have the kitchen clean and tidy, because that’s the first thing he’ll see when he comes in, and I should think that after a long day at work it would be nicer to walk into a nice, orderly room rather than to a scene of a great disaster.
But sometimes, to be quite honest, even that doesn’t happen, because I’m still on the learning curve of figuring out how to manage things as a mommy of two under 1 ½. I am very blessed to have a husband who knows I’m on a learning curve and knows that I WILL get better, but that there will be rough days here and there where it doesn’t all get done. I am thankful for that, and you know what? I think I’d better stop there because I’m about to wax eloquent about how amazing my husband is, but I think that he’d rather me just share that with him personally, rather than proclaim it to the world – or whoever’s reading. I’ll just say I’m very blessed, and that he inspires me to be a better person, and I thank the Lord for him. There. I’ll move on now before I have to pull out the tissues.
Anyway, all that to say: I am seeking to overcome my dread of cooking by educating myself so that I can understand it. And I had every intention of stopping this entry when it was 2 pages long, and now it’s over 3. I’d better stop before I think of something else to say. I have the perfect reason to stop, in fact:
One of the babies is hungry, and, come to think of it, so am I. ;)
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